Have you heard about this Credit Crunch? All those Fancy-Boy Bankers going all righteous on us about closing the barn door on their bullishly flawed views of acceptable risk, long after the last bovine has bolted. Do you know... I have had my overdraft at the same bank for almost 40 years and my mortgage for even longer - and last week they said they needed to speak with me about my 'credit-rating' and suggested they may have to review my overdraft!
No wonder they're all in such a pickle. I mean, how do bankers expect their business to survive if they stop selling you their product.... money? It's not even as if it's theirs to refuse to sell in the first place, it's mine (well nearly) and yours.

You know, you lot don't realise just how many favours I have done for you over the years. If I didn't insist on having an overdraft and a few credit cards and a business loan and a mortgage (or two) I wouldn't have been able to help the bankers manage your money so spectacularly - now that, over such a long period of time, is loyalty.

And do I see that loyalty returned? Well... do I? Do I get a bonus? Do I get a Loyalty-Card or Air-Miles to take me around the World in the luxury such loyalty deserves? Oh no. Instead, I get a letter from some junior clerk asking me to contact her - a financial advisor with almost no fiscal understanding at all, she kept talking about credit-rating when mine is very firmly a 'debit-rating' (it's just banking lingo - a bit like the difference between a credit and debit card, but different).

You know, I think that for someone, who has had such spectacular level of debt with the same bank over such a long period, I should have an honour - something like an MDE (a Member of the Debtors Empire).

Luckily I don't have any debtors myself - I do have a few Creditors but don't tell them about this or they'll expect me to pay them again this year! But, I don't have debtors, because I make sure people pay me before I do anything - forget this 25% deposit - I go for as near 100% as I can swing. I never have understood why rich folks wanting expensive kitchens should expect to use my money to do so.

No chance. If they don't trust me to do a good job they should buy from somebody else, now there's the Crunch - I design, sell and install kitchens, also providing full project management on the bits I sell - I don't provide the finance nor do I do the Due Diligence... actually I wouldn't mind offering that as a free service. I will research the market for any potential kitchen purchaser and provide them with a full and unbiased report on the supplier that best matches their needs for their new project - I could have a dot.com and have my reports printed, 'cos every report will recommend me.

Ha ha... now there's a new angle to direct my flawless loyalty... sod the banks I'm going to be loyal to myself. In fact here's your chance to pay me back for all my years of industry leadership, we'll cut out the middleman - I'll borrow from you direct. Anybody got a wedge of spare cash to lend me so that I can pay off the banks. What a great idea... that'll teach them... I'll take my borrowings elsewhere.

Now... don't all call at once... and... errm... if Mrs T should answer... well.. errm... pretend you sell double glazing... she may not understand the subtle nuances of my plan, which I call Short-Buying!!!