I'm in trouble with Mrs T and you'll never guess why! It's not my fault, well not really - it's that TV cook, you know the one, last Christmas, he fenced off a bit of his back yard to grow Turkeys - Mrs T thought the grand-kids would like it if we did the same thing this year - so I got a pre-hatched egg from a local Farmer, who was thinking about buying a kitchen for his barn conversion.

He's still thinking!

In fact last time I saw him he said.... what with the recession and all.... that he's thinking of converting it back into a barn, but that's by the by.

I didn't exactly sit on the egg and hatch it, but I might as well have - I'm not good when times are steady and I'd had more; "you could help me around the house more, you never do anything!" type statements from Mrs T than was good for me, so I had to make an effort.

Anyway, I hand-fed it and Turkey fattened up beautifully - it was almost 25lb and I'm sure if it got any bigger it would have exploded. Then... last week.... I, errrm, sold it.

I had no choice.... I mean, I'm a kitchen designer not a poultry-man. I don't cook and clean either... I sell kitchens and then hand the money to Mrs T to manage and, well, you see, I was in a competitive situation.

My competitor, up the road, had had some kind of aberration and he had a sign hung in his front window that said "Free Turkey with every kitchen ordered before Christmas".

Free Turkey - what's THAT - what's wrong with Free Fitting or 25% off your New Oven? I mean Free Turkey, that won't work!

I laughed, until I noticed his van parked outside the butchers, so I moseyed outside to have a look, he saw me and instantly hid what he was doing. I told him I'd seen his sign, he explained that he'd just been to buy his first half-dozen Turkeys.

He's such a liar! He'd never seen half a dozen customers in the last month let alone sold six kitchens. Despite going in to buy a couple of sausages and a slice of black pudding our butcher wouldn't tell me what was going on, he was miffed with me for not ordering my usual Bird this year - serves him right - I'm sure last years was from China... and had walked all the way... it had muscles like Paula Radcliffe.

Next, my customer came in (notice the singular)... I've been dealing with her since Easter and she's kept changing her mind between a top-end range cooker and a standard built-in oven - says she's ready to order... she's going built-in. She mentions my Competitor's offer - "only thing is," she says "his Turkey's are such scrawny things and the family's coming for Christmas Dinner. I'd need two."

"His are Chinese," I jumped in, "you don't want that - I'll give you a turkey... English... hand reared... he's huge," the adrenaline was flowing; "you'll need the more expensive cooker to take him. You write out your deposit cheque and I'll change the specification and get it all ordered so it's done and dusted before Christmas."

Ho, ho, ho - that'll teach him - if you're going to compete with Tailer you have to try harder than that.  I do wonder though... if business stays the same, next year... will I be doing Free Kitchen with every Turkey ordered for Christmas. Now... how do I get round Mrs T?

RE Tailer