My Dear Reader - I am going to ask you to please be patient this month, because I need to speak to the Editor first and I've been too busy to call him... about that, 'too busy', don't get excited - I'll explain in a minute.

So, Mr Editor - these Awards that you have been running for the past decade or two, I have a question - it's a perfectly balanced question and I only raise it with the intention of helping you with your future development of said awards 'thing'.

"How come... I mean HOW COME... you never include me - not in the Master Retailer, not in the Designer Award and not in the Very Best Showroom in the World Award - I mean doesn't it tell you something when the R E Tailer Emporium, never gets a mention in your Awards, well, hmmm, doesn't it?"

"What do you mean did I enter?"

"How dare you! No I am not afraid to put my 'money where my mouth is' and send in entry material for the judges to consider."

"Anyway, who do these judges think they are."

"I shouldn't have to enter - I should be included automatically."

"Well, I have never heard the like - I tell you this. You won't see another entry from me."

"No. I know you haven't seen one so far. Oh, you journalists think you're so clever - if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this mess!"

That's him sorted out - you watch - I bet he begs me to get on board next year.

Now - busy. I have been so busy.  You see it's not my fault - and this time it's not Mrs T, although it is to do with accounts. Perhaps I should explain - in the past we have controlled cash flow using the 'envelope' method - a bill would come in, Mrs T would issue the cheque, put it in an envelope and address it and then leave it in a neat formation on a spare desk-top until the creditor began to shout - then she'd post it - simple.

The trouble now is - and Mrs T does blame me for this - because I'm not getting any deposits there's nothing in the bank, so Mrs T daren't send any cheques and, you will never guess what my suppliers are doing, they are putting me on Stop!

Me - R E Tailer - the chap, who, on occasion after occasion has attended their dealer days - driving Tanks at Silverstone or tramping around factories in Bavaria - it's just not on.

Mrs T says we should just talk to them, explain where we are, ask them to help, but... Nah, that would never do. I did write to the Prime Minister though, to ask for a loan from them but he turned me down, apparently he didn't like the fact that I had used a first class stamp when second would have done!!

What I will do if I sell something is another question and, don't tell anyone else about this, but I think I have a solution - first, we still do the envelope thing, but we 'forget' to include the cheque... then, when they phone to complain, we tell them that our records show the invoice to be paid and ask for a fully detailed statement - this buys me the time to approach their competitors and open an account with them, which gives me ninety days to get some deposits in... the only trouble with all of this juggling is it takes up so much time - I have never been busier - doing, nothing.