R.E Tailer doesn't like the internet too much...
I am dropping my middle initial - from this moment on I will be known as R. Tailer - I want nothing at all to do with the letter 'e' - it's that letter's fault that I've been in such an evil mood since Christmas!
I mean, this year, it seems that every single one of my customers has got a broadband from Santa and has been seduced by the blithering thing. It's so unfair - and being British, I go in for 'fair' (to me, that is) competition, from rivals based close enough for me to study and concoct an advantage that is unfair (to them).
I mean, how am I supposed to beat e-based retailers with names like 'Tim Book-Two and Sons Dot Com' - or is it Dot Cotton - with offices on the Ivory Coast, or some dusty street corner in the province of Wye Fie. I don't even know if that's in China or north-east England... it's driving me mad.
I tried to defeat it with acceptable (to me) means. I declared my emporium a net-free zone. I've had a sign printed, which says: "If you tell me that you can buy your appliances cheaper 'over the net' or 'under the web' then please do so as you run out of the shop, because I have just released my hungry rottweiler and he's after you!"Mrs T told me I had to take the sign down - she said it contravened some legal rule or other - so I added those busybodies to my sign as well, but she still made me remove it - she bullied me.
You see, the thing is, she's a convert.She's on Facebook, YouTube and Flickr. She stands clicking away on her 'mobile' while cooking my dinner - tweeting to relatives I thought had died. Our grandkids have put her up to it. It is driving me to distraction, beeps and clicks and buzzes and daft tunes everywhere. I think I'm getting download rage... deep breath, deep breath.
Anyway, I'm off to the pub, Nige has promised me a pint.He's a genius. He's restored my faith in the old ways - he has showered me with the wisdom of his seven decades. The more I drank, the wiser he got. He had an idea and it was brilliant.I now have a new service to sell - it is especially for net-bought appliances - it's called 'Buy on the Web and We'll Fit it For You'. It needs a net-name, something like Wi-Fi - I was thinking of BotWaWFiFY.
That doesn't sound right, maybe I'll shorten it to BotWifi.
Hey, we'll even provide the insurance for the installation of web-bought appliances - but, only into the new kitchen that you have just bought from us.I need a few more rules to make it all sound officious, such as we will only deliver this service if the appliances are on site three days prior to the commencement of our installation, so that we can ensure they're the correct models - at a heavy fee per appliance.
And we will expect them to be unpacked and ready for installation, otherwise we'll charge an unpacking fee. We could offer to take away the packaging for a fee, while for the job of fitting the appliances, we will charge more arms and legs than my rotty could ever have ripped off.I'm a happy man again!
Mrs T spoiled it all, though. She said I was drunk. Said I couldn't do that in times like these, when our kitchen customers will expect a full service and our competitor down the road is advertising that he'll fit web-purchased appliances free of charge.Now that kind of underhand business practice is just not fair!
R E Tailer
